apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
