I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
