right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
