I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
