On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
