I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
