Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
