New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
