just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
