I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
