wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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