im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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