He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
