just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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