i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
