I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
