I skipped work to stalk him.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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