Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
