its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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