i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
