And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
