I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
