dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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