If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
