you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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