If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
