i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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