with your own penis?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
