6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
