found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
