theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
