the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
