Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
