I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
