i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
