He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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