Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
