What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
