I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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