i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
