This girl is more easily done than said...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
