I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
