girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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