I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
