You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
