I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
