drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
