i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
