All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
