Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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