I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What a dumb baby whore.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
